


What once was lost can never be found

by consultantjim



Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Amnesia, Braindamage! Jim, M/M, Post-Reichenbach
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-05-31
Updated: 2012-10-24
Packaged: 2017-11-06 10:54:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/418052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/consultantjim/pseuds/consultantjim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Jim shot himself in the head, someone else takes his place in the world. Sebastian tries to cope with that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> A huge thanks for becauseimjustcoollikethat (tumblr) for reading this beta! :3

As Sebastian heard the shot, he knew it could only be Jim. He waited until the idiot  
Sherlock jumped, before running up to the roof.   
Nobody noticed him, they all mourned Sherlock.   
There Jim was, lying on the ground with his eyes open, lifeless.   
Sebastian couldn’t justify his actions, as he took Jims body in his arms, and pressed him to his own mumbling in his hair “Oh, Jim, why?”  
Then he hesitated.   
No, this couldn’t be true.   
He had to be imagining this.   
Yes it was his imagination. He didn’t want to admit that Jim was dead and because of this he imagined Jim breathing.  
Or?  
He couldn’t think of anything other than to feel his pulse. And yes! He hadn’t imagined it!  
There could be still hope, if he does the right thing.   
He had to take Jim into a hospital. Not the one they were standing on.   
No not Barts.   
So with that Sebastian carried Jim with his bare hands to the van, which he had parked by the back door, and drove to Jim’s own private hospital.   
The journey was tedious and when Sebastian finally arrived he passed Jim’s body over to the nurses.   
Taking Jim immediately into the operating room the nurses knew not to ask any questions, and with that Sebastian could only watch as Jim was carried away with no inkling to whether he would survive or not.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The italic is for the flashback

Waiting is the most terrible thing on earth, even if you are just waiting for some stupid reason.

Waiting sucks. Spending five minutes in a waiting room could be interesting, but spending three hours there, you’ll just want to rip the paintings off the wall and smash everything. Well that’s how it felt for Sebastian, waiting in this stupid room.

He paced impatiently up and down the small room before a young, female doctor stepped up to him.

He met her gaze. “Good afternoon. You delivered James Moriarty to us?” “Yes”, his voice sounded hoarse “Alright. First I just have to ask you if you are close to the patient, before I can tell you anything.” Her voice was professional and polite.

Sebastian hated it. “I’m…. his boyfriend”, Sebastian said his voice braking at the end.

______________

_“I am not your boyfriend, Moran. We are not together and never will be”, he could hear the cold voice loud and clear next to him._

_Jim refused to label this thing they had going on. Those few fucks weren’t worth a name. Sebastian snorted and blew the smoke of his cigarette in the air, “You don’t say…” he remarked sarcastically. They had this discussion way too often._

_Jim grabbed the Sebastian by the hair and forced him to look into his cold eyes “I will never be your boyfriend. I am your boss and you do what I want. That means you will fuck me sometimes on the kitchen table okay? I never said anything about a relationship Understand?” Jim pulled a little bit more at Sebastian’s blonde hair “I said do you understand?” his dark, cold eyes glaring at him._

_“Yes… boss.” Sebastian groaned out. “Good, then we agree on all points.” and as if nothing had happened Jim stood up, got dressed and called over his shoulder. “Don’t forget our dinner with the sheikh, kindly wear a suit.”_

_Sebastian could only reply with a “Yes boss.” before the door slam shut._

__________________

 

Now however he was Jim’s boyfriend.

The doctor looked at Sebastian and maybe finding something in his gaze that makes her believe him.

She informed Sebastian about Jim’s state. “The bullet missed the important areas of his brain. He is extremely lucky. How bad the injury is we can’t tell until he is awake, but there is a chance he’s going to be perfectly okay.” She looked at him encouragingly.

Sebastian hated her even more for that.

“Okay. Can I see him?” he asked, a question, which he still waited to be finally answered. “He’s asleep right now. We can’t tell for how long, but of course you can see him, Mr….?”

“Moran” He gritted his teeth.

“Okay, then come along Mr. Moran.” Sebastian follows her down a hallway down and into a room. He thought he was prepared, but when he saw Jim looking pale and vulnerable his legs staggered as he slowly got closer to the bed. “I leave you alone now.” Sebastian was happy, that the insufferable woman would finally go. He sat on the chair beside Jim’s bedside.

Sebastian took Jim’s hand and expected for Jim’s eyes to flicker open and to snarl at Sebastian to get his hands off him, but nothing like that happened and Sebastian sighed.

So days passed and Sebastian sat most of them at Jim’s bedside staring at his pale boss, during the time he didn’t Sebastian would keep the business running. Although he didn’t have an intelligent and brilliant mind Jim had, Sebastian had learned a lot from him.

At first clients would ask where Mr Moriarty was, but Sebastian answered each time “Hospital stay.” The weeks passed on and Jim’s condition didn’t change. The doctors couldn’t tell him anything and whether or not Jim would ever wake up, but Sebastian didn’t give up.

He stayed at his bedside.

One evening, just before he left to go to his apartment, he heard a quiet voice.

“Where am I?”

Not believing his own ears Sebastian turned around “Jim…?”


	3. Chapter 3

“Jim?”, asked the other person in the bed, coughing slightly.

Sebastian hurried to him.

“Shush, rest…”, he handed him a glass of water. “Drink….”

“I don’t know anybody called Jim…”, whispered the person looking at Sebastian with fear in his eyes, taking the glass, as he drank  it in one go.

Sebastian really looked at him now: “What?! You… You are Jim Moriarty.”

“No, that isn’t my name” he tilted his head.

“Oh yes it is!”, Sebastian was perplexed, he shook his head, still looking at this patient.

“I think it would be better if I get a doctor…”

Jim closed his eyes. “I’m Richard. Richard Brook.”

“What?! No! No!!”, Sebastian screamed, shook his head in disbelief. “It’s one of your aliases.  God damnit…”

Jim closed his eyes, saying quietly but stubbornly: “No. This is my name.”

Jim or Richard stayed stubborn, no matter what Sebastian said to him. He got paler with every accusation Sebastian made.

At some point a nurse stepped into the room. She noticed Jim’s state and shook her head disapprovingly.

“I think It’s better you go..”, she said to Sebastian, polite but severe.

Sebastian sighed, looking again back at this guy, who he couldn’t decide to give a name.

Jim? Richard? Was he playing his games again?

                                    ________________________________________

 

_“Look at me, Seb! I’m Jim from IT”, Jim put his hands flirtatious in his waist. You could see clearly the bright neon yellow boxers above his trousers._

_He turned himself around and around to see every inch of him in the mirror._

_“Something’s missing…”, he clicked with his tongue and let his gaze slide over Sebastian who lounged in the armchair and just looked at him._

_His gaze went over the dog tags. “Exactly these…”_

_“What?!”, then Seb understood his look. “No, forget it Jim. No…”_

_“Please, Sebby, pleeaase…”, Jim got closer, his voice begging, like every time he wanted something. He kissed him lightly on Sebastian’s lips. “Please Sebby…”_

_“Don’t call me that…”, Sebastian growled and pushed him away._

_“Ts, Ts, ts, Sebastian. You don’t behave like that in front of your employer..”  Jim re-approached  him, getting closer to him again and scratched his fingernails over the bottom of Sebastian’s arms._

_Sebastian gasped slightly._

_“Give them to me..”, Jim growled at him._

_“Jim….”, Moran disagreed. “No..”_

_Jim leaned away from him and saw his determination._

_“Good, then don’t give them to me, because of my disguise. Give them to me as your devotion to me. I always wanted something like this from my little pet..”, Jim chuckled._

_/Devotion, other people call it love../, thought Sebastian._

_He sighed, he reached a point where he couldn’t argue further with Jim, where Jim would have just won._

_“Okay, but really only this.”_

_Jim grinned and stretched out his hand. Seb rolled his eyes, took the dog tags off and handed them to Jim._

_“Here, be careful…”_

_“Sure, darling..”, Jim said, eyes sparkling before he put them on._

_And it was true. Sebastian saw, that Jim wore them every time. He smiled slightly. It was a sign that this hadn’t been just for his disguise, it was a sign that Sebastian meant something to Jim. Although Jim replied, every time Sebastian said something like this: “Consulting criminals can’t love.”_

_Sebastian nodded at this every time. /Of course Jimmy, whatever you say Jimmy/._

_In his thoughts he called him Jimmy._

_He would have lost one or two fingers, if he had called him like this out loud._

 

                                    ___________________________________________

 

Sebastian sighed: “I think, I’ll be going, Richard.” The name felt so unfamiliar, so different, not matching to the person sitting on the bed.

The nurse gave him a scowl. “That would be best…”

Richard still looked at him, with fear in his gaze.

Sebastian bit his lip. Was this a trick, a game, where they should play along just like Jim would like it?

But then he looked at Richard. The insane expression Jim always had in his eyes wasn’t there. There was just fear.

He sighed again: “Richard, I’m coming back, okay? I’m sorry….”, He went out of the room.

Outside in the parking lot, he got into a black car. He preferred bikes over cars but Jim didn’t like him seeing on his bike.

It was stored away in the last corner of their garage.

He always said: “If you are going to have an accident, who would be my best sniper and lover?”

Sebastian never replied to that. They had this argument far too often, just as often as they discussed their relationship.

He waited till he sat inside of the car. Then he punched against the steering wheel and let out something like an angry sob.

He didn’t want to cry but he bloody felt like doing so; he was pretty angry at this messed up situation.

Why did he always get situations like this? WHY?

He gave the steering wheel another punch, then put the keys into ignition and drove away from this hospital.

Should he come back? Would Jim or Richard miss him?

Sebastian didn’t think so. He scared the living shit out of this little fellow. So maybe Richard wouldn’t be happy to see Sebastian.

It took him a while to drive to their flat. Or was it now only his?

He opened the door, stepping into the flat and started to wander around.

Looked at Jims stuff, still untouched. Would Richard need them? He decided after a while of thinking that he would leave this to Richard if there existed a Richard. Would he be a complete different person? Didn’t he remember anything at all?

Or was Jim just on the climax of his acting career and jerked everyone around?

Sebastian sighed again, it felt like his answers just consisted of sighs.

How should he know? He was just the loyal dog, which obeyed orders and got rewarded with a treat, if it was good.

Did he fail, days, weeks, even a month would turn like hell on earth for him.

It ended when Sebastian decided to crawl on all fours over to Jim and begged for forgiveness.

Sebastian shook those thoughts away, far away. They always ended up the same; Jim on top of him, he unable to move, because of the handcuffs, but both enjoying this little game.

 

Sebastian broke his promise; he didn’t go to visit Richard or Jim or whatever this man was now.

It was three weeks after /he/ awoke up from his coma and Sebastian decided not to visit him and to drink far too many bottles of Whiskey. Cheap or expensive, he didn’t care.

One morning he woke up to the penetrating noise of his phone. He grumbled something and answered his phone.

“What?!”

“Is this… Sebastian Moran?”, the voice was so familiar but the fear in it so unfamiliar.

“Jim?” he asked startled.

“No… Not Jim…”, the voice was low, sad and still scared. “It’s Richard…”

/Right. Right. It’s Richard now. /

“Richard, what do you need?” Sebastian sighed tiredly.

“There… There are people in my room. Scary people…”

Suddenly Sebastian jerked awake.

“I’ll be there, Richard, stay where you are…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for becausenothingelsematters for the beta-reading and for giving me ideas. Thanks you are a great Sebastian!


	4. Chapter 4

Richard was in the bathroom of his room. He thought about what happened, although he was shaking. He woke up, saw someone rattle at the door and put a chair in front of it. Then he took his phone; at least he thought it was his.

Who could he call? Who could help him? He didn’t know anybody! Then, there was something.

This guy, who was there as he woke up, who is he? It was so weird. Some things were familiar, some not. He looked through the numbers in his phone. Most of them were just a combination between numbers and letters. But then there were two names, which let Richard stop: “Sebastian Moran” and then shortly after that “Tiger”. Richard frowned. Those voices at the door got louder and he got more and more scared. He dialled “Sebastian Moran” and waited for the opposite to pick up. After the conversation, he put the phone down, beside him. It was this man, who was near his bedside as he had woken up. He could distinguish the voice from so much other voices, although this one blamed him, yelled at him in another name and begged him almost to “stop playing this wicked game”. He didn’t know why but somehow he was wired to this voice. He wanted to be near it, had the subconscious feeling that he would be safe there.

Longer time passed; A time full of hoping, hiding and trembling.

At sometime the noises got louder and louder, Richard thought he did hear a curse, well several. Then as he couldn’t bare those noises he covered his ears with his hands and squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t want to see or hear anything. Then silence. Nothing but silence; Richard relaxed slowly, putting slowly his hands down. Then he saw how the knob turned around and the door swung open. Richard let out a small scream, making himself so small as even possible.

 

“Stupid twats, couldn’t pick a lock..” The man laughed bitterly to himself then seeing Richard.

“Jim… Richard, Rich. Hey.. it’s me… Sebastian..” He scrunched down in front of him. “You called me , remember?”

Sebastian said slowly, frowning at the small, frightened man. Richard looked at him, awoken slowly from this terrible dream. “Yes… Yes… I did..” He said slowly, relaxing a bit. So this guy wasn’t a threat. Sebastian sighed, scooped him up in his arms, face pressed against his broad chest, so he couldn’t see anything. “Let’s go, Rich..”

This name felt so unused.

He stepped over the limp bodies, being so glad that Richard didn’t see anything. The silence was disturbing.  Richard shivered; he felt that something was wrong. Sebastian just pressed him closer.  “Sh… You're getting out of here…” Richard whimpered but nodded. This small noise of his helplessness nearly got to Sebastian, but he gritted his teeth, stayed strong, letting J..- Richard sat down on one of these chairs in the waiting room. “I’ll be soon back, alright?” He said, brushing through Richard’s short hair, a gesture of caring. Richard just nodded, sitting there, staring into nothing. Seb sighed again, turning around and going to one of the nurses to give her a bollocking.

“What the fuck did you think?” He roared at her. “We pay your lousy hospital millions to stitch up everyone of our team, we pay your job and now you can’t even take care of him?! These guys were form the MI6, they could have taken him right now. Just because your staff couldn’t take care of him! Pathetic.”

The nurse just nodded, head down, not looking at him. “Yes sir... We are sorry, but they just passed up the moment in which our shifts changed!”

“Not an excuse!" Sebastian growled. “You are pathetic. Even I could better take care of him then you do…” Then an idea struck him, weird, unused.

“I’m going to take him with me. He will be safe, safer then staying in your hospital…”

The chief nurse nodded, she couldn’t do anything against it.  Sebastian was now the boss and what he said was law. Sebastian turned away from her and took the scared Richard by his hand. As he refused to come with him, he kneeled beside Richard, studied his features. Was he so different than Jim or did Jim just act outstandingly well? He didn’t know.

“Richard..” He sighed, stroked his face. “You are allowed to go. Come with me, home. We are going home, Richard. There it’s safe.” If you hide the knives and other weapons, Sebastian thought by himself.

“Home?” Richard asked with a broken voice. “Where is it?” Seb sighed again, looking almost sadly at him. “You will see okay? Just... just come with me.” Richard looked at him, thinking it over.

“Yes... Yes okay.” He stretched his hands out, wanting Sebastian to lift him up. When he didn’t react after some time Richard added “Please?”

Sebastian nodded, a little bit tired and pulled him to his feet. “Now come on Richard.” He began to walk, expected that Richard would follow him easily. Richard staggered after him not being used to stand on his own feet. Sebastian looked over his shoulder, sighed and waited for him. Richard caught his gaze, pouted and shot him a glance to say that he can’t do anything about it! Sebastian bit his lip. Those innocent looks, those gentle looks. Jim could never look at him like that. There would have been always a sparkle of mischief in his eyes. But still, it wasn’t sure if Jim was still in there and maybe fooled them all, played his game and having so much fun.

This bastard loved doing this, maybe he still does.

Sebastian sighed, trying to keep his face. “Come on, Richard. It isn’t that hard to walk, just a few steps to the car. Come on.” He sounded annoyed. He had to be this hard. He didn’t know Richard. It was a complete different personality, if he played or not, Sebastian would play along and just because this face was so similar to Jim’s, it wouldn’t mean anything. He waited for Richard and yes, finally Richard stood next to him. Sebastian nodded appreciative, you never know what a shot like this did to the brain and Richard wasn’t used to stand on his  feet after the coma. “Yes, good. Come on now..”

 _/You only look after him till he’s in this condition and then you will get away, let him do things on his own./_ Sebastian told himself as he guided Richard to the car.

“Sit and buckle up…” He ordered Richard. This would be tough for him, having all day a face like Jim near him, maybe everywhere he is going, because no way Richard could stay alone somewhere. But it just wasn’t Jim. It surely was like having a child around you, caring for it and hell, he would never wanted to do that. Richard nodded, did everything he got told to and then they drove off. He rested his head on the window and looked out, glancing occasionally at his saviour. He was a bit rough, but somehow Richard could tell there was something soft deep inside of him. Sebastian drove focused and carefully. Richard was glad about that.   He rubbed his forehead; this drew Sebastian’s attention to him.

“Having headaches?” He asked casually.

Richard nodded. “Mhmh…”

“When we get.. Home.. I’ll show you quickly around and then you sleep alright? Been a tough day for you.. You need rest..” Sebastian stated and couldn’t help caring about him, about his former boss, about he cared for such a long time.

Richard nodded again then Seb pulled up in a parking spot, getting out of the car. “Here we are. Come on..” While they got in the second floor, Seb wondered if he put away the various knives, guns and magazines. “Wait here.. It could be quite a mess in there..” Sebastian said, guiding Richard to the steps to sit down. “I’ll just tidy up a bit and then it’ll be better for you..” With those words he vanished into the flat, Richard nodded and yawned. Oh he was so tired, he closed his eyes, leant to the railing and fell asleep.

Sebastian put away his guns, the knives and yes the whiskey. As he stepped out of the flat all dangerous items stored away safe he found a sleeping Richard or Jim or whatever he now was. He smiled a bit, scooping the smaller man up in his arms and carrying him into the flat. Sebastian was somehow lucky now that their flat has two bedrooms. It was still from Jim’s and his beginning days and the two of them barely knew themselves. Well, the first two nights they stayed in their own bed… Sebastian placed him down, covering him and kissing his forehead.

“Good night Jim."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Thanks to my beta and thanks for waiting! Hope you enjoy this!


End file.
